Damn Permeable Membrane

It’s been over 3 months. So why haven’t I made any progress in this area?? Looking through all of my little notes and chicken scratch, one theme keeps resurfacing: I’ve defined myself and my life by the intimate relationships I had/have/want.

That’s not such a bad thing, right? Life is all about sharing with others, supporting others, loving others. But what happens when the boundaries between my life and our life become non-existent? Again, not so bad… as long as you are BOTH dedicated to each other long-term. In terms of love and marriage, those boundaries should absolutely be non-existent.

I’m single for the first time since I was 14. I have no idea how dating actually works. I have no idea how intimate relationships are formed. I thought, “Well if it feels good in your heart, follow it.” Ahhhh, not so much. Not when your heart is used to being footloose and boundary-free.

I have the chance to figure out exactly what type of guy deserves my unconditional love and attention. I can actually go test-drive as many men as I want, need, like. Let’s be honest — that’s a pretty fun little situation to find myself in. I certainly shouldn’t be complaining.

BUT. What happens with you have strong feelings for someone you’re seeing, but not dating? How does that work? What’s the etiquette, what are the boundaries? What do you do if those feelings aren’t returned? What do you do if the feelings ARE returned, but the timing is off? What about when the feelings pass? Given that I’m attempting to “enjoy the moment” and do whatever feels good in my heart, how do I prepare my heart for these situations?

I’m a very compassionate and emotionally involved person. My natural inclination is still to disappear into the person I love. You should, right? If you love someone, you should make them your priority. You can’t love someone and make them an option. It isn’t possible. Or very loving of you. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience here.

But I can’t just disappear into the person I love. I need to remember myself, and the journey I’m on. Maybe at the end of my journey, I won’t be so inclined to disappear into the person I love. God, I can only hope that I don’t do that again. Let’s all hope that I’ll find that balance between putting myself first and putting my partner first. So, in the meantime, how do I teach my heart not to dive head-first into the first great guy that comes along?

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