Thought Experiments, Part 2

Man! I’m still struggling here, folks.  I don’t know why I feel so stalled right now.  I’ve been pondering all kinds of topics for the past few weeks, and I just can’t seem to shake any of them.  One of my biggest issues right now is that I need to let things just go.  I find myself wanting to control or force relationships and situations, so I need to work very hard at just letting things play out at their natural pace.

Here’s something interesting that I learned about myself today: (actually, I already knew this about myself, so technically I re-learned this..) I compartmentalize my life.  And I’m really good at it!  My professional life is completely separate from my personal life and personal is separate from school. There are times when they overlap, but even then I keep things separate.  It bothers me to have gray matter between personal, professional, school, etc.  So maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling stalled out lately.  I’m sifting through the gray matter, trying desperately to compartmentalize.

One issue that had been plaguing me was the living situation. Now that it is figured out, I’m feeling really good about it.  I knew that I needed to get my own space, but kinda got sidetracked for a few days by a silly desire to send things with Jason into overdrive.  I’m so not ready to live with someone, especially a guy, again.  I had made a promise to myself months ago that I wouldn’t live with a boyfriend until we were well on our way down the aisle.  And since I’m not all that certain that marriage is in my future… I might just live on my own for the next 70+ years.
Ah, marriage. That’s another thing that’s been on my mind lately.  I had initially sworn it off.  I didn’t want to go through that heartache again.  Also, I really don’t know if I have the ability to do the career thing AND be a good enough wife. I sucked it up the first time, and I’d like to believe I learned from it… but I dunno.  Marriage is a whole lot of emotion and dependence that can be totally awesome… and then completely devastating when you fail at it.  Being with someone in that capacity again will be hard for me.  I see it as a big risk, and I think it will take a lot of trust and blind faith for me to go for it again… if asked.  I’d have to have a lot of confidence and faith in myself, which honestly just isn’t there right now.  But, I have a special someone that makes my heart tug in a different direction now.  I know that neither of us are anywhere near a trip down the aisle, but he makes me feel like it could be an option for me again.  He makes me feel like maybe I could do it.  And do it right this time.  Realizing that has scared the crap out of me.
OK, so there are two thinking points for you to consider.. more to come.
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