The Edge of Despair

I made a promise to myself a few weeks ago that 2009 would be a good year.  It seems like that has been ripped out from underneath me.  Not only am I reeling from loss of my sister’s baby, but money’s non-existent, work is getting more demanding, and the worst of winter is yet to come.  I guess I thought I’d seen a light at the end of the tunnel.  Maybe it was a mirage.  I seem to have forgotten how to enjoy the good things in life…

I spent last night in a total funk. I got home from family dinner and couldn’t fall asleep. I finally took an Ambien, but then didn’t wake up for work this morning. I barely woke up in time for my 10am meeting, which I had to call in for.  Then I start going thru all the bills that have been piling up, and see that my student loans from Butler are no longer in deferment and I have to make a payment — ASAP.  I had thought those would be in deferment until my grad loans came due in June, but apparently not. So I wasn’t at all prepared for that… still have to pay off my attorney… still have outrageous credit card debt… still paying pennies on stupid medical bills… still have the frickin’ Comcast bill (which I’m purposely behind on b/c they won’t cancel my account until I make a special trip to their office with my cable box)…

Rent was due today. I guess I need to start liquidating assets… whenever I can pull my head out of the clouds enough to actually: a) do it; and b) get the most out of my jewelry box as I can.

I’ve lived thru this all-consuming despair and helplessness before.  I think I may have actually triumphed over it.  But I’m feeling it creep back in, and it terrifies me.  I know I need to create positivity in my life, so that I can get thru the hard times.. easier said than done.

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  1. #1 by Kara Boone on January 5, 2009 - 11:55 pm

    comcast will eventually just come and pick up your box free of charge… i know from experience 🙂 so don’t worry about that. And that $800 dollar bill we had because they wouldn’t cancel it, magically went back down to $160 for the last month we used it once they came to get the box.

    Trust me I know how you feel completely. Money is so tight. Between two car payments, house payment, credit cards (ugh), student loans….we r lost too. And with me being out of work and only getting about 50% of my pay after taxes… we are behind. Hopefully we can pull ahead here soon with JB’s enlistment bonus coming this spring but that light at the end of the tunnel seems ever ending.

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